Cliff Notes of Effective Parents
January 27, 2012 by dr.cstone · 4 Comments
I want to share a “Cliff Notes” version of how to be a more effective parent. These are the things I find myself advising over and over. While they sound simple, I know they are not easy in the moment. I’ve been there too. Here’s the short version.
- Be brief. Kids really do stop listening after a couple of sentences. It’s good to explain why, but if you’ve done that many times, don’t say it over and over. Lectures are not effective.
- Be calm. Directions given calmly are much more likely to elicit a good result. Angry tone is likely to increase anxiety and or defiance. Calm and firm can go together.
- Be positive. Tell your child the behavior you want to see, not what you are seeing and don’t like. For instance, tell him to pick up his shoes rather than complaining about all the times in the past week you have tripped over the shoes. That leads to the “not listening, fingers in ears, la-la-la” state of mind. (See #1 above.)
- Listen. When a problem presents or persists, find out what your child would suggest. This is especially true for older elementary school children and up. You might agree or not. Perhaps you can incorporate part of a child’s suggestion in your solution. In any case, if you have listened and responded, your child will feel heard. Very important.
- Be respectful. Yes, even when you are not being treated with respect. Stay to the high ground. Name calling, swearing, shouting — all actually model the behavior you don’t want. (Not saying this is always easy.)
- End fruitless interactions. This refers to the times you have said no to a second ice cream or a sleep-over. You’ve even explained why in a respectful way, but your child persists in asking why, etc. It is perfectly alright to say that you have said all you have to say on the topic and stop talking. Hard to do with a very persistant child but very worthwhile. I wish you fortitude.
Good Luck in your challenging yet rewarding job of parenting!
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Child Safety—It Takes a Community
January 20, 2012 by dr.cstone · Leave a Comment
My hometown is abuzz with concern about child sexual abuse. A man who has taught second grade here for twelve years has been arrested in connection with a federal investigation of child pornography. The prosecutors say they have found a video of him molesting a twelve year old girl. The man is being held on $100,000 cash bond. There have been no reports of abuse from among the children he has taught.
We often imagine that child abusers are strangers. Yet most sexual abuse is perpetrated by people known to the victims. This man grew up in town and is reportedly well liked and respected in the school where he taught. A school or agency’s first line of defense against child sexual abuse is to require a criminal background check. I know of one church that successfully screened someone out on this basis and another that could have avoided an incident had they screened (this was nearly 30 years ago). In this week’s case, the teacher passed because he had no prior arrests.
That brings me to the most effective way to protect children: good practices. Good practices involve a whole school community and perhaps beyond in keeping children safe. There need to be very clear definitions of appropriate ways to interact with children and definitions of where and when it might be appropriate to be alone with a child, if ever. There also needs to be clear accountability. Someone needs to be working with staff to know what they are doing and how. This is someone who can approve or disapprove off-site activities or after school hours activities.
Good practice is not about being paranoid. It is about being clear about proper behavior with children and good supervision.
As far as I can tell at this point, there is no question about the performance of the school system. Many perpetrators have not had prior arrests. Thus, good practice is essential to keeping children safe and possibly preventing potential abusers from becoming perpetrators.
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Baby Steps
January 13, 2012 by dr.cstone · Leave a Comment
Some of you may have seen the old Bill Murray movie, “What About Bob.” Murray plays a man who is very dependent on his psychiatrist, played by Richard Dreyfus. Dreyfus encourages his patient to make progress in his life by “baby steps.” He has even written a book by that name. It’s a good spoof on the mental health profession. Dreyfus is making a bundle with simplistic advice, and Bob is ultimately the undoing of his pompous doctor.
All the same, there is a lot to be said for the baby steps idea. At this time of year many of us are ready to turn over all the leaves that we did not get to last year. Parents are no different. People are telling their children, “Now you are big enough to sleep in your own bed all night.” Or, “Now you can do your homework in your room all on your own.” Or “I think you can get up on your own in the morning.” “This year you can be ready for school on time.” “This year when you are rude to me, I will ignore you, and you will treat me more nicely.” These are all good goals, and every parent has a right to them.
But it takes baby steps. Another way of putting this is that all change happens slowly, bit by bit. If you are dealing with grade school or older children, you will need to include them in the conversation. They need to agree that the change you suggest is worthwhile. Then you can discuss how to start. For instance, when should the alarm be set? How much time does your child need to get ready in the morning? Or you will need to explain just what you mean by rude and say what you would like instead. (This may sound as absurd as the baby steps book, but believe me, it is helpful to be very clear.)
When you have explained the goal and your child has agreed, you might also consider incentives to increase your child’s motivation. Incentive does not need to mean expensive stuff. It could mean a special dessert or fifteen extra minutes of screen time.
The last goal is to moderate your expectations. Remember baby steps. Your child might get up on time some days and not on others. She might do her homework on her own for a day or two but have a meltdown about a new type of math problem. Try to notice the progress, and not be too discouraged by the slip-ups. Always praise progress. And consider whether you can learn from the slip-ups. Maybe the program needs adjustment.
Change takes time. A few good days don’t mean you are out of the woods, but a few good days are definitely a few good days. Progress happens in baby steps.
Good luck to all of you on the changes you are trying to make in your families in this New Year.
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