Why Does He Do That? Could a Learning Disability Be Involved?

In talking to a colleague today about a family we both work with I was reminded again about how confusing it can be to have a child with significant learning disabilities and how helpful it can be to parents to work with a clinician who gets the whole picture.

Say your child has a weakness in processing nonverbal information. You might even have a test report that tells you that.  But what does that mean in real life?  For one thing it can mean that this child does not understand sarcasm because he isn’t sensitive to tone of voice.  If you only hear the words, sarcastic comments sound mean.

For instance,

Child:  “Are you going to pick me up after school?”

Parent: (joking) “No, I’m going to Europe instead.”  (meaning, “Of course I’ll be there.”)

Child:  (wailing) “What?  How will I get to my lesson?”

Parent:  Sigh….

It is very helpful once parents and children understand this problem.  I know children who now ask trusted adults, “Are you being sarcastic?”  when they think they’ve heard something out of character.

A different type of problem arises when a child processes verbal information very slowly.  This can look like inattention or even disrespect if you get really annoyed by having your child tune out when you’re talking to her.  Once you understand her learning style, you can purposely keep your verbal instructions and explanations brief.  Actually, it is always helpful for parents to be brief, in my experience, but especially so in this situation.

Then there is the child with ADHD.  This and other types of learning disabilities can be confusing because they have an uneven effect on children’s behavior.  Parents see a child who does not sit still long enough to do homework carefully and yet can play video games intently for long periods of time.  Parents will say, “He could do it if he’d try.”  Parents might also see uneven work in school.  In some subjects where the child has more natural interest and talent, grades are good and the work is not too hard.  But in another subject there are daily battles about work.  It is truly confusing.  People with ADHD are drawn to novel information, and that is what a video game serves up over and over.  Doing the same type of math problem twenty times is pretty dull to someone with ADHD.

I tell parents that kids with learning disabilities do well when the planets align—when they are interested, the task doesn’t challenge them in their weakness, they are well-rested, and so forth.

Parents and children in these situations have my sympathy because often it is evident that the children have average or above intelligence, but their performance is puzzling.  If you are wondering why your child acts they way he does, consider contacting a professional who understands cognitive as well as emotional difficulties.  The cognitive problems nearly always lead to emotional upsets, but this can be managed with good education at home and at school.

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Photo credit:  Elizabeth S. on Flickr

Pets are the Best Medicine!

This week I have been thinking about the benefits of owning a pet, a dog for me.  Ironically, I’ve been more aware because our dog has been sick.  This morning I was able to bring him home from the veterinary hospital where he had been for two days to treat pancreatitis.  Our family was sad and disturbed that our dear little friend was in such pain.  My husband and I slept poorly.  It reminded us of having a sick child back in the day.  Friends and extended family offered sympathy and encouragement.  Having him home, snoring on the living room floor, has restored some order to our home.  But he’s a dog, right? Why the emotional fuss?

Many times in my work I have found that children who are upset by problems in school or at home are comforted by their pets.  I am sure that many of you have seen this in your families.  There is something about a dog’s steady, patient attention that is consoling and calming.  (I’ll talk about dogs because I’m allergic to cats and that has severely limited my contact with them.  I understand from feline lovers among my friends that cats offer similar benefits.)

If you have a young dog who likes to play, playing with the dog offers a great break from homework or other stressful activity.  I find that just sitting on the floor to pet my dog, gives me a good cognitive break from work.  It refreshes my brain. Playing with a dog can get a couch potato child outside to throw a ball.

Recently I even saw a report of a study that shows that dogs in the classroom can help children learn to read!  A study done at the University of California, Davis showed that children who got to read aloud to therapy dogs in their classroom for ten weeks improved 12% more than their counterparts who did not have the same opportunity.  A dog is an attentive listener who does not criticize.  This is what many children need for them to practice reading and become more fluent.  Another report tells of a five year old program at the New York City Public Library in which dog and trainer teams visit branch libraries monthly.  Children can choose a book to read aloud to the dog, and children and adults are seeing similar benefits to the young readers.  This is definitely something to try at home if you child resists her daily reading assignment!

A report last summer in the Huffington Post reported research that children who grow up from infancy with a dog or cat in the house are actually more healthy—fewer colds and ear infections.  The post goes on to cite other research that shows that children and adults who have dogs have higher self-esteem, and they are less prone to depression.

I close with a salute to the four footed friends who enrich our lives.  I imagine that you also have good stories about how a dog or cat has offered you solace or given you a cause to smile when you needed it.  Give that animal a pat for me.  I’m going to take a break with Max.

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Hurricane Day Off

I have had a day off due to Hurricane Sandy, and for me it hasn’t been much of an inconvenience.  As I write in the evening, we still have power, and there is only a little water in our basement.  I am quite grateful.

I know that for others the day has been more trying, especially if you have lost power and you have young children at home.  Times like these take us back to earlier times when we didn’t have the electronic entertainments that we have today.

Late this afternoon I heard a loud bang, and then we lost our internet, phone and television service.  My husband and I were surprised at how much we felt disconnected.  No phone or e-mail?  In addition, my cell phone would not complete calls.  I looked out the window and saw the cause:  a tree that had stood in front of a neighbor’s house was now leaning on it, and it had taken wires with it.

I went across the street to check on them—like us, they had power, but no internet.  So, we sat and had a cup of tea and caught up on news.  This was a treat brought to us by Sandy.  Without her mischief, I would not have had this pleasant chat.  Not only that—as we chatted, her teenage kids carved their pumpkins.  I imagine that they were going to carve them sometime soon, but now with no internet, they sat in the same room with us and joined the conversation.  True, they still texted some, but I imagine that they were more available than they would have been if the internet had been working.

So, if you and your family are safe, I hope that you have been able to find some enjoyment in the sudden lack of technology and forced family togetherness.  I know that for people who thrive on routine—like many children—today might have been a challenge.  But if you can get out the legos, or a jigsaw puzzle, or even a deck of cards, there could be fun in going back to the “good old days.”

I would be interested to hear how some families passed the time today and for many—tomorrow as well.

Photo credit:  Michael Glasgow on Flickr

The Virtual Wheelchair Ramp: Making Accommodations at Home for Your Child’s Learning Style

In a meeting I attended last week in which we discussed handicapped accessibility for a building, we challenged ourselves to consider the mission of our group and whether our building reflects that.  In this instance we were considering accessibility for people who are physically handicapped, things like having an elevator or grab bars in the bathroom.

The discussion reminded me of conversations I often have with parents about accommodating their children’s learning or emotional disabilities.  Often the best way to help a child improve behavior is to change the environment to suit his or her needs.

For instance, if your child has difficulty with changes in routine, it is helpful to try to make your days, or at least parts of days, be predictable.  On weekends when most people like a change, your child might do better with a preview about what events are coming up.  Your child might benefit from a schedule written out or with pictures to show what is happening that day.

Some people might see this type of accommodation as coddling, but would they say that about putting in a wheelchair ramp?  When you adapt your expectations to your child’s current abilities and the way she thinks, she can be more successful and feel better about herself.  You are likely to have fewer meltdowns to cope with. And in time your child will grow to be able to take a little more of a challenge.  Success builds confidence so that children are willing and able to try challenges.

There are as many ways to adapt the environment or expectations for a child as there are children.  The adaptions all depend on who your child is and what her strengths and challenges are.  This means taking the time to notice what situations cause difficulties and then thinking about how things might be rearranged.  For instance, if you ask your child to go get three things from her room, and she regularly returns with one or none, you could scold her for inattention.  Or you could take note that she does not hold that much information in working memory, and you could give her a list next time.  It might work better.

As children get older, they often begin to use these adaptive strategies on their own.  They become more independent and they are able to shape their environment in some ways themselves.  I know adults who will ask their spouse for a written instead of spoken list of errands.  These people know what their working memory can and cannot do.  And they are more successful because of it.

Have you made helpful accommodations in your household?  I would be interested to know.

Photo credit:  Kecko on Flickr

Becoming a Parenting Team

Any parent knows that one of the biggest challenges of being a parent in a two parent family is working with the other parent.  You can be in agreement about décor, finances and many other things, but it is likely that parenthood will bring out differences that you were only dimly aware of before.  Add to that a challenging or quirky child, and the differences can quickly become polarized so that you feel that one parent is too strict and the other is too lenient.  In all likelihood both parents hold part of the solution.

Any two people have definitely had different experiences growing up.  All of us had parents who did things we pledged we would never repeat.  At the same time there might be aspects of your parents’ practices that you feel were wise, and you would like to repeat.   Whether in trying to do as well as our parents did, or in trying not to repeat their mistakes, each of us can become rigid in our own approach.

Add to the mix a quirky child who might not be much like the way you were as a child, and the situation is primed for conflict.  There is no doubt that the situation challenges parents to negotiate and treat each other with respect under pressure.

Children learn very quickly where the differences are and how to exploit them.  I tell parents that any child worth her salt will sort this out and aim for the space in between the parents.  The child feels a great deal of control in this situation, too much control, and this contributes to a feeling of careening near the edge when it goes unaddressed.  Especially if parents disagree in front of the child, the child then feels empowered to ignore limits set by one parent.  The child then feels entitled to provoke that parent.  This is often when parents seek outside help.

The situation requires a kind of respectful listening and negotiation that will in the long run be good modeling for the child.

What to do?

1. Agree to address the differences in a respectful way out of your child’s earshot.
2. Listen to your partner.  Perhaps there is something useful in what she or he has to say.
3. If you cannot come to agreement, seek outside help.
4. Agree to try an approach and come back to it later to see how it is working.
5. When either parent is in an unsure situation with a child (for instance, “Can we rent an R rated movie?” when you and your partner haven’t developed a clear policy on this), feel free to say, “I need to talk to Dad (Mom) about this.  We’ll get back to you.”  It is OK to let the child know you don’t know.

Children feel safer when they know their parents are working together, and this alone helps them maintain better behavior.  They are no longer “careening out of control” wondering who will put the brakes on and when.

Good luck with this challenging but rewarding endeavor in raising quirky kids.

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Photo Credit: Scott Ableman on Flickr

Strength in Community

Last week I wrote about the complicated feelings that parents have when their child is diagnosed with a learning disability.  While these feelings are all a normal part of coping with a special needs child in your family, they can interfere with your well being and your ability to advocate for your child unless you find ways to support and take care of yourself.

There is nothing like community to heal the shame, sadness, fear and anger that parents feel in this situation.  If it is painful for you to talk to parents of “typical” kids, find other parents whose children have special needs and cultivate relationships with them.  Below I’ll list some useful organizations.  At these meetings there is no shame in having a child with special needs because everyone is in the same boat.  Before you know it, you’ll be meeting with others for coffee or calling each other on the phone to share the latest outrageous story (sad or funny, or both).

When you become part of a community of this sort you experience many benefits.  You’ll find others who are more experienced and can share tips that have been useful to them.  You will find out about services in the community or school system.  Your fear about the future might decrease because you might learn about kids like yours who have had successful outcomes.  In time you will be the one to offer useful information to a newcomer, and this also feels good.  There is no doubt that community is healing.  Where can you find it?

1. Under IDEA, the federal law that mandates special education, all school systems have PAC’s or Parent Advisory Councils.  These meetings can inform you about your rights and the services in your school system.
2. In my area the Asperger Association of New England offers a wealth of educational and support services for parents and children.  Their website, www.AANE.org, even offers a listserv useful to people outside the immediate area.
3. Another organization that offers very useful information is the Federation for Children with Special Needs (www.fcsn.org).  Within this organization parents can find useful information, support, and opportunities to volunteer and give back.  FCSN even has webinars on their page.

These are ways you can find and develop community that might help you diminish your shame, sadness, fear and anger.

Next, let’s think about how you see your child and where her strengths might offer community for her and you.  When you first get a diagnosis, you might only see her shortcomings.  But it is likely that there is much more to her than that.  Try to recover a more full understanding of who she is.    Does she have an encyclopedic knowledge of some topic?  I knew one boy who had nonverbal learning disability whose knowledge of geography took him to the state level competition in the National Geographic Geography Bee.  This gave him a little social capital in middle school.

Does she do well at individual sports rather than team sports?  Many children who cannot manage the social and physical complexity of team sports can excel at track or swimming where the main competition is against oneself.  I knew another boy who excelled on a swim team.  He enjoyed the camaraderie and the exercise helped manage his weight and his anxiety.

Can she play a musical instrument?  How about a sense or humor? What about art?  Theatre can be a helpful way for some kids with Asperger Syndrome to try out different ways of being. Finding these areas of competence and nurturing them will be good for your child and you.  It gives you both something to feel proud of when school is tough.  Activities that draw on your child’s strengths can also give her a social network in which she can feel strong.

I would be interested to hear how others have coped with having an “atypical” child.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter, Parents’ Corner, and receive my free report, “Living With and Loving Your Disorganized, Impulsive, Forgetful, Yet Delightful, Funny Child”.

Photo Credit: Melissa Wall on Flickr

Five Difficult Feelings Parents Have About Their Child’s Learning Disability

Often children get diagnosed with learning disabilities after some amount of time of difficulty at home, in nursery school, or in public school.  Parents or teachers have recommended an evaluation. The report comes back with a description of how your child learns and participates in the classroom as well as in social and family situations. A good report points out strengths and weaknesses and gives useful recommendations about how to be helpful to your child in and out of school.

Sounds good, right?  With a good evaluation, report, helpful educators and therapists children begin to do better and even thrive.  I want to focus on what parents experience when they confront their child’s difficulties, such as ADHD, a specific learning disability like dyslexia, Asperger Syndrome, nonverbal learning disability, or something else entirely.

Instead of feeling relief that they are at the beginning of remediation, many parents feel some uncomfortable feelings.  In my work as a Parent Coach I find it important and rewarding to give parents a place to acknowledge and come to terms with these feelings.

Shame:  Let’s face it—parents often feel that their children’s accomplishments reflect on them.  It hurts to find out that your child has an invisible difficulty that is interfering with her education and likely her friendships as well.  Even if you requested testing because you suspected a difficulty, most parents still hope to find out that there’s no problem and just a simple adjustment in school or life will help.  Maybe just an after school tutor.  Now that you know that there is a problem that can be managed but not necessarily be fixed, you might feel ashamed, as though there is something wrong with you that your child has a learning disability.

Anger:  I think that people tend to be more aware of this one.  Many people feel angry at school personnel for not understanding their children and causing unnecessary pain.  And one can be angry at your child (even if it isn’t rational) for having a problem that makes daily life more complicated.

Sadness:  This is a big one, especially when parents first get the news that there is a problem.  It is sad to accept that your child has a problem that will not go away.  This difficulty will probably affect your child’s life in some degree forever.  It changes the future for you and your child, and you need to rewrite the family narrative.

Fear:  What will the future look like?  I have often had parents sit with me and ask, “Will she be able to go to college?” “ Will she ever leave home and have a job?”  Often when children are struggling enough that people get an evaluation, the child may look very impaired.  After all, there are probably no services in place.  As a result, parents worry that things will never change or get better.  They have no experience with this new world of parenting a child with a learning disability.  With the people I see, I tell them that they just need to keep working to get their child the services she needs and not to give up on a bright future.  It will be a different future, but it does not need to be bleak.

These are uncomfortable feelings that are a normal part of coming to terms with your child’s learning disability.  It is helpful to accept the feelings as you move along to advocate for your child.  In next week’s blog I will talk about ways parents can take care of themselves to manage these feelings and become effective advocates for their children.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter, Parents’ Corner, and receive my free report, “Living With and Loving Your Disorganized, Impulsive, Forgetful, Yet Delightful, Funny Child”.

Photo Credit:  Keltron (So far behind,  I’m in front of me!)