There is something about having a senseless act of violence and mayhem in your own neighborhood that is more unsettling than having it far away.  The marathon is a delightful rite of Spring and celebration of people’s health and ability to surmount tremendous obstacles.  Every year there are moving stories in the news about the remarkable “ordinary” people who train to run after they have recovered from cancer or in honor of a loved one.  They run alongside (well, far behind) the elite runners who come from all over the world.  When you go to cheer the runners along the route or at the finish line you are only a few feet away from them.  I thought to myself that if I still had a teenager at home, I would have no hesitation in letting him or her take the train into Boston to watch from the finish line.  It’s a community event.

That has changed for now.  Someone or ones reminded us that we are never totally safe.  We will regain our sense of safety because we need it in order to exist, but for now, Boston and it surrounding towns are shocked and mourning.

How do we help our children cope with this terrible event?

1. First, limit media exposure.  I grant that this advice is a little late, but it is still important.  The scenes of bloody wounded people and caregivers are frightening.  And the repetition of the details inflicts another trauma.
2. Tailor your explanation to your children’s age. One can tell children that an explosion took place and that people were hurt, but they do not need the literally gory details. For younger children you might be able to keep the event from them, and I would support that.  If you cannot, keep the details spare.
3. Emphasize the true and moving stories of the many people who helped the wounded and got them to our fine local hospitals.  There’s a Mr. Rogers quote going around on Facebook that I like very much.  He says that when he was young and a disaster happened, his mother told him to look for the helpers, because they are always there.  The helpers in Boston were heroic on Monday.
4. Take care of yourself.  As they say when you are preparing for takeoff in an airplane, put your own oxygen mask on first before you help your children.
5. Limit your own exposure to the media.  Decide when you’ll tune in to get an update (preferably after you children go to bed).  Some people find it easier to listen to the radio because they don’t get the repeated video of the bloody aftermath.
6. Get your rest.  You might find that it is hard to sleep because an event like this can make you and your children more anxious in general.  But you are much better able to manage your anxiety if you are rested.  If you can manage your anxiety, you will be less likely to communicate unnecessary upset to your children.
7. Find some special time with your children.  Time together doing something pleasant reaffirms that you are all together looking after one another.  It is reassuring to young and old.
8. Having said that it is also helpful to children to maintain their regular schedule.
9. Older children will want to talk about why such things happen, the big existential questions that come up with disasters.  Engage with them. It’s a great opportunity to have a talk about your world views and values.
10. If a spiritual or religious practice is part of your family life, use it at this time.  There are many vigils and prayer services happening throughout the area.

May we all live in peace and safety.  But when we cannot, may we support each other and offer comfort.

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Photo credit:  Scyllarides on Flickr

When you sum up the steps it really comes down to cultivating a better relationship.  In fact, it works with anyone in your life.  You try to communicate clearly with others in ways that they can understand.  And you appreciate whatever people do that pleases you or helps you out.

People are most likely to be cooperative in a family or a business when they feel appreciated.  In a family we all need to feel cared for.  This really comes before looking for cooperation, and it is an aspect that can be lost in very busy lives.

I like to give people specific recommendations, so one suggestion I often give parents is to spend some time each day (maybe only fifteen minutes) with your recalcitrant child.  In those minutes you do with your child whatever she would like (within the bounds of behavior in your home).  So, if your child wants to watch a TV show with you, that’s what you do.  If your child wants help with a new lego set, that’s what you do.  Parents are often surprised to see the results of this simple change.  The hard parts of it are being regular, and resisting the temptation to use the time to pursue your goals.  This is a way you cultivate the relationship so that you can be more successful in eliciting cooperation later.

There is a second way to cultivate a relationship in which your children will be more cooperative.  That is to offer empathy when your child is frustrated or upset. Here’s a lovely blog post on that topic.  http://www.allisonandrewspsyd.com/2013/01/19/sisters-and-brothers-and-power-of-empathy/#comment-343. Let’s face it—we all like to feel understood.  It is a gift we can give our children and family members.  When we feel understood, we are more likely to want to work together.

I am not saying this is easy.  It isn’t.  But these steps are investments in relationship that pay back very well.  Furthermore, these investments cost no money.  They have nothing to do with material gifts.  They have to do with the gift of your presence and your understanding—the most valuable gift.

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Now, say you have worked hard with this child to improve her behavior.  You’ve talked with her and found out that she needed more help with math.  Or you worked out a good schedule for the morning and used some incentives to get your child moving better in the morning.  Say you found ways to spend special time with each child and you also praised them both any time they were playing well together.

Your efforts have paid off.  Things are better.

When I am working with a family and we get to this point, I usually ask, “What could mess this up?”  That’s right, after spending a little time enjoying the success, I start anticipating problems.  Just like a psychologist, right?

Well, I find that people can avoid problems if they can anticipate them.  It is likely that in the process of working through the last bump in the road that you learned something important about this child and how she copes in the world.

Perhaps she gets discouraged easily by new topics in school.  This is good to know.  You can anticipate with her that there will be more new material that might seem overwhelming, and you can talk with her about asking for help.  This would be so much easier than fighting about homework.

Perhaps you have learned that your child doesn’t do very well at stringing together a long series of tasks to be done (that’s what a morning routine is, after all).  You’ve found that she benefits from a checklist.  Some people also benefit from a visual—a photo that shows the child all ready for desired activity, such as school, soccer practice or a sleepover.  You can anticipate that there will be difficulties when setting up new routines or series of behaviors.

Lastly, perhaps you’ve learned that your children can play together very well in some situations, but not in others.  You might learn that it is best if both have a friend over at once to decrease the competition.  Or you might have learned that each needs some one-on-one time with you regularly.

Asking yourself what could go wrong gets you to go back to notice what caused the last problem and what you learned by solving it.  In this way you can anticipate the bumps in the road and smooth some of them out before you get there.

Good luck!

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Are you resolving to get your children to listen? 

Watch for my upcoming webinar that tells you how to stop nagging!

Photo credit:  Simply CVR on Flickr

Learning from the Past

Last week I encouraged people to look back to see how far you and your children have come in the past year.  And just as important I recommended that you consider how you made the progress that you did.  The first step was to encourage you by noticing that you have made some progress.  If nothing else, child development is often on your side as your child grows in cognitive ability and ability to manage feelings.  The next step was to help you notice what works in your family.

Resolutions Usually Don’t Work

Now you are ready to set some goals for the coming year, in other words, New Year’s resolutions.  New Year’s resolutions are notoriously unsuccessful.  I just did some quick research on Google and found that while 45% of Americans make resolutions, only 8% are successful in their resolutions.  Another piece of research says that 88% of people who make resolutions fail, though 52% are confident that they can achieve their goals at the start.  That is discouraging news.

What Does Work?

Yet there is good news.  Researchers have found that people are more successful in making changes when they set small, manageable goals.  They are also more successful when they share their goals with others.

Setting Small Goals in Your Family

What does this mean for your family?  What would a reasonable goal be?  Say you want your children to “listen.”  When parents say this, they mean, do as I say when I say it.  If you are reminding and reminding with no success, there is no way to wave a magic wand and get your children to comply today or this week.  You could break it down by situations.  For instance, you could work on getting your child to get up in the morning on her own.  When you get that problem solved, move on to the next—maybe getting dressed in a timely manner.  Slow, yes, but more effective.

Another way to think about setting goals is to ask yourself, “What can I do differently today?”  If you want your child to do better in math this term, you can’t wait for report cards to help him with that.  You can begin by talking to his teacher and to him.  You can find out whether he needs help with homework. And if homework is a struggle, you can work on reducing the conflict about it.

Get Everyone On Board

The good thing about family goals is that in the best of all worlds they are shared.  If you are in a two parent family, you will definitely have better success if both parents agree that the goal is important.  If you can engage your child in the goal, you will really be on your way.  Most children would agree that they would like to have fewer fights in the morning, less struggle around homework, or better grades.

Good Luck!

Good luck to you in setting your goals.  When you meet the first one, you can set the next.   And please, let me know what your goals are and how you do with them!

New Year’s Resolution Statistics.  Journal of Clinical Psychology, 12/13.12

Blame It on the Brain: The latest neuroscience research suggests spreading resolutions out over time is the best approach.  Wall Street Journal, December 26, 2009

Ra, Frank.  A Course in Happiness. 2011.

Photo credit:  John Brennan on Flickr

Click here to sign up for my newsletter, Parents’ Corner, and receive my free report, “Living With and Loving Your Disorganized, Impulsive, Forgetful, Yet Delightful, Funny Child.”

Are you resolving to get your children to listen? 

Watch for my upcoming webinar that tells you how to stop nagging!

Now I realize that some people will have to say that things are really worse—like people who lost their homes to Hurricane Sandy, or people who have been afflicted by terrible diseases.  Yet just before Christmas I met a woman whose home had been flooded by the hurricane who said with honesty that the outpouring of support she felt from friends and strangers had enriched her life.  Pretty neat.  I think that ability to find something for which you can be honesty grateful, even in the midst of disaster, allows people to go on.

What were your challenges?

First, consider what hurdles your family had to confront in the past year and consider how things have turned out.  Chances are you can see that there are some challenges that you met and got past.  Can you call that a success or are you considering the fact that you had to face a hurdle a failure.  Every family faces challenges.  A child comes to a new stage of development and his needs change and often we as parents are unprepared for the transition.  This can happen with the first homework, with the first request for a cell phone or with the introduction of a new electronic device.

Congratulate Yourself!

All of these bring unforeseen challenges in my experience.  Did you get through it?  Did you find a new way to manage new responsibilities for your children?  Then congratulate yourself!

What Worked?

Now, think about how you got past those hurdles because that will help you plan for the year ahead.  Did the disorder get to a point that you were really angry and unhappy?  OK, that probably means that you should be more proactive in the future.

Did you eventually come to some agreement with your partner about how to handle an issue, say bedtime, screen time, whatever?  OK, put that one down.  It always helps to present a united front.

Did you involve your child’s concerns in the solution?  With older children you probably had to.  If it worked, put it down.

Did you consult with an outside helper like a parent coach or child psychologist?  And was that helpful?  Great.  Remember that.

Resolutions, Maybe

Now you might move on to resolutions if you wish, but you have actually already set out an action plan because you have found what worked in the past.  More about planning for the year ahead next time.

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Photo credit:  Jeff Moser/BikeCarson.com on Flickr

I share my process because I think everyone has to respect their own process.  I found that listening to the news or trying to write about the shootings plunged me into murky sadness.  I recognized the sadness, and I chose not to dwell there too much.  I followed my own advice and limited my exposure to news.  I involved myself in holiday preparations, though truth to tell, my heart was not in it.  After a day or so, I began to feel like myself again.  After a community celebration at my church on Sunday, I could feel joy again.  It felt right to celebrate the young children and returning college students that we are so fortunate to have among us.

Parents of young children are drawn into the present, and I hope that has been helpful for families.  Most of the families I work with have chosen not to tell their young children about the shooting.  As the children return to school, they are hoping that their children do not learn about it, but they realize they need to be ready.  It is tricky to manage one’s own adult sadness and shock while keeping your children in their normal life.

But if you have older children—say upper elementary and teens, you might not have the opportunity to shield them from this knowledge.  In addition, it might not be a good idea to shield them because likely their peers will know about the shooting.  How do you help?

1.  Take care of yourself and manage your own feelings so that you can portray a sense of safety.
2. Tell them (it’s the truth) that schools are really safe places, and these kinds of events are rare.
3. Children with Aspergers Syndrome or NVLD might be especially anxious.  It is more difficult for them to take in the details.  Be ready for very specific, concrete questions, and choose your answers with care.  More details are likely to be more frightening.
4. Offer children space to share their feelings about the shootings—fear, sadness, anger—and let them know that the strong feelings are normal—even if they do not know anyone in Newtown.
5. Maintain your usual family schedule.
6. If your family finds support and strength in a spiritual community, reach out to them.
7. Reach out to local professionals if needed, especially if this tragedy echoes a prior tragedy in your family.
8. Look into ways to turn grief and anger to helpful action.  Perhaps you are supporter of stronger gun control.  Perhaps you are concerned about the availability of mental health services.  There are many helpful ways to respond to this event.

I wish you all a good enough holiday season.  The collective denial that allows us to believe we are in a safe world has been temporarily shattered, but it can return and will.

Here are more resources for you to check out.

http://www.apa.org/school-shooting.aspx

http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/terror_general.aspx

http://store.samhsa.gov/shin/content/SMA12-4732/SMA12-4732.pdf

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Photo credit:  Mike Paradise on Flickr

The Talking Makes the Difference

A closer look at the abstract showed me that the researchers know that good parenting is more than having rules and telling teenagers to follow them.  In the study one group of parents was taught to talk to their children about drugs, alcohol and sex.  They were also told to enforce a curfew.  The results showed that the group with this training had less family conflict, their kids used drugs and alcohol less, and they got into less trouble.

I think that the critical piece of the training was helping parents talk to their teens about difficult topics.  In my experience when families come to me with kids who don’t pay attention to basic rules like curfew, no one is listening to anyone else at home.  There might be a lot of lecturing or yelling and slamming of doors, but very little listening.

Listen, Show Respect and Expect Respect

The first step is always to help parents lower the emotional temperature enough that they can listen and speak respectfully to their kids and ask their kids to do the same.  This is not easy.  It takes commitment and a belief that good things will come of a process that takes time.

Listening to teens is not the same as giving in.  It means hearing the teens and answering their questions.  However, the answer might still be, “I want you to be in by 9 on school nights.”

Now You Can Talk About the Hard Stuff

Once people are treating each other with respect and listening, they can begin to address the very scary topics that come up in adolescence:  drugs, alcohol and sex.  Kids don’t want parents to know this, but they do value what their parents say.  It is always a good idea to take the time to have a talk about these issues.  Talk facts and values, not hysteria.

Good luck improving your relationship with your teen so that you can help him or her deal with the scary stuff.  Believe it or not, but they are scared too.  You can help.

Click here to sign up for my newsletter, Parents’ Corner, and receive my free report, “Living With and Loving Your Disorganized, Impulsive, Forgetful, Yet Delightful, Funny Child.”

Also get the first details on my webinar on stopping nagging,coming out in January.

Photo credit:  Chloe Chaplin on Flickr

Self Care

The first step begins with parents because if you run out of positive energy, you have nothing to give your children.  This might mean different things for different people.  In general, I recommend that people keep doing all the things they normally do to help themselves manage stress.  If you exercise a few times a week, stick with it.  This is when you need it most.  If you need eight or more hours of sleep a night (as I do), make that a priority.  The same goes for regular meals, and so forth.  When you try to keep up your healthy habits, you will set a good example, and likely you will set a good framework for your family.

Maintain Children’s Routines

Most children with ADHD, learning disabilities or Asperger Syndrome do best when they live in a predictable routine.  The holidays are full of special occasions that interfere with the routine.  Of course, you will want to make some choices—don’t be a total Grinch about this, but consider what changes from routine your child can handle.  Mix the joy with the routine.  This will help avoid meltdowns due to being over-tired or over-stimulated.

First and foremost routine for children means regular meals and enough sleep.  Along with that go time for homework and time to relax at home.  Like adults many children really need some down time.  You probably know what that looks like for your child.  It could be time watching television or playing a video game.  For others it could be time to read or just to play quietly.  Be aware that if these times disappear for days on end, you could be headed for a meltdown.

Let Your Children in on the Plans

Once you make some decisions about changes in routine, be sure to let your children know.  For instance, you’ve decided that the whole family will go to your middle school child’s chorus concert, and this means that the fifth grader will miss his guitar lesson.  Be sure he is in on the plan.  And if he objects, consider some way to sweeten the deal for him.  Some children get anxious about changes in routine even when they very much want to go to the special event. As much as possible let your children know ahead of time about changes to routine so that they have time to and you know how they feel about  the circumstances.

Find Out What’s Important

I have been amazed at how very young children will remember events from a year ago very clearly.  They may believe that what they remember is the essence of the holiday.  It is likely that you do not remember these details.  It’s worth finding out what your children look forward to in the holiday.  Is it a special food you make or a concert you go to?  Perhaps it is a gathering with extended family.  You might find out that one child has his heart set on an event that won’t happen this year:  Uncle Charlie is going to your cousins’ for the holiday.  You can’t change Uncle Charlie’s plans, but it will help if your child knows ahead of time that he won’t see him this year.

Enjoy!

The best holidays happen when all can join in happily.  This can mean skipping a community event in order to have time home as a family.  After all, aren’t we all looking for moments of connection at the holidays?  If you program for it, it is more likely to happen.

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Photo credit:  strawberryindigo on Flickr

So, what do you want your children to understand about the holidays?  Many of us would like children to think about the giving as much as the getting.  Young children are naturally self-centered, so they are very interested in the getting part.  It takes effort on parents’ part to communicate that there is value in giving.

This morning I found a brief mention of a piece of research that indicates that toddlers feel happy when they can give something to someone else.  The researchers found that the children were more happy when they gave away one of their own crackers than when they were given a cracker to give away.

I know that a piece of laboratory research is hard to generalize to the real world, but the basic idea is appealing to me.  If we can give our children opportunities to give something that they feel some ownership over, they get more satisfaction.  This is the part that takes planning.  I think it is important to take the time to involve children in planning their gift giving.

Some children have allowance that they can take to a store to buy something for a family member.  Even if the gift is very small it has meaning for the child.  I remember being told that my grandfather needed Scotch tape for Christmas, and I was able to buy that when I was very young.  I think that I must have felt good about it, because I can still remember him being pleased with the Scotch tape.

Some parents and children are good at crafts, and there are lots of ways that children can make useful items for gifts.  If you lack ideas, just start searching the internet for suggestions.  Getting to make something definitely adds to the sense of ownership.

Engage your children in planning their gift giving early so that you have time to involve them in the purchasing or making.  They will still be very concerned about what they will receive, but they will also experience the pleasure of giving a gift truly from themselves.

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Photo credit:  Gunna on Flickr

The author, David Desteno, a psychologist at Northeastern University, describes his research that shows that people who feel grateful for assistance they just received are more likely to be generous to someone else in need—thus spreading the gratitude and generosity and gratitude and generosity.   It could go viral!

Here’s a quote:

Such occurrences of indirect reciprocity — the extending of help to new people — is known to kick cooperation in a group into high gear. In the face of individual or societal tragedies, then, any phenomenon that can enhance such indiscriminate paying-it-forward stands as a key to resilience.

DeSteno is interested in helping people recover from natural disasters such as Hurricane Sandy, but my interest is in helping family members become more cooperative and generous with each other.

When parents come to me for help with children who are uncooperative, I often tell them to start by thanking their child profusely whenever he or she does something right, whether asked for or not.  This could be, “Thank you for getting down to breakfast on time!”  Or it might be, “Thank you for starting your homework when I asked.”  Even, “Thank you for playing nicely with your brother.”  The last one might require you to think to offer thanks before the interaction goes sour.

Often after a week or two of this simple intervention parents report to me that their children are already more compliant and cooperative.  It doesn’t solve everything, but it really gets the wheels turning in the right direction.  I think of gratitude as keeping the oil changed in your car.  Everything just works better together that way.

Some experts have warned against over-praising children.  I think that the problem comes when parents praise for no apparent reason.  I’m not saying that it’s wrong to tell your children what a great kid he is or that you love him to bits.  But praise that is directly related to a behavior that just happened really teaches your child how to behave in the way you want.  It doesn’t lead to a swelled head—just a child who knows what you expect and how to earn your gratitude.  Then he or she feels more generous.  And on it goes.

So, consider starting this viral cycle in your family, and let me know how it goes.  I’d love to know.

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Photo credit:  Michigan Municipal League on Flickr